My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
