apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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