Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
