I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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