I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
