My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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