So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
