Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
