Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We're too hungover to prance.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
