come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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