Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
