I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
