Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize