You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
cat food counts as protein by the way
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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