She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
