When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
