I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
