guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You may now shotgun with the bride
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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