i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
