Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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