he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
