Swine flu. Run for my life!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
