it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
