This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
