bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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