I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
