They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
