do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
