she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
