Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she told me i tasted like america
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
