I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
