i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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