omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
