Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
