Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
then he tried to convert me to islam
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The adults are the big ones right?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
