In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
