Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
