I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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