ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Randomize
