new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
