u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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