Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
