We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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