I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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