You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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