Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
