I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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