If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
