lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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