you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
