yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
