I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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