Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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