dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
