I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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