I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
