Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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