How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
