i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
