i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this boner is exhausting
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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