Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
