I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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