Best friends brother. Beat that.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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