I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
