I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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