i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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