i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize