I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
