if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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