ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
