you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
